A Bulleted List of Reasons We Turned Off Aquaman

When it comes to writing thirty-one movie reviews in a row, not every review written can be a winner and neither are all the movies we watch. Sometimes you have your father coming over for his birthday the next day and you just want to have something on while you bake a cheesecake. Sometimes that thing is an action movie you missed a few years ago which everyone said was okay. Sometimes those movies are not okay, despite what people say.

This is some time.

Tonight, we turned on Aquaman and turned off Aquaman. Here’s why in as many bullets as I need to get through the word salad in my head:

  • It sucked.

  • That’s unfair: it was pretty, the two leads were attractive, and it had a decent big screen interpretation of Atlantis whenever we spent time there.

  • We did not spend time in Atlantis.

  • We did spend time on the origin of Black Manta, a black man playing a villain with the words “black man” in his title. That’s not the movie’s fault, but I am considering adding a villain to my next D&D campaign named White Manticore who comedically pauses between the “man-” and the “-ticore”.

  • The punchline in that bullet was the word “comedically” because that joke wasn’t funny.

  • Seriously though, the movie lacked an anchor and seemed to be fishing for a plot.

  • We are supposed to care about not one but two McGuffins: the title of Ocean Man and the Trident of Atlan. Both are vaguely defined.

  • You can correct me and say the title is actually Ocean Master, but I know you don’t want to out yourself as someone who cares that much.

  • We do get some mom issues to work through and some hubbub over rightful heirs and what not, but the movie made me care about its government situation like Khal Drogo cared about the rightful king of Westeros.

  • It was cheesy and the tone was all over the place. We go from watching humanoid minions suffocate to one of them sticking their head in a toilet? Black Manta mutters a bunch of one-liners that belonged, at best, in an episode of Power Rangers? It was just … just no.

  • I am out of effort.

Aqu-nah, man.


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